Buffy's Adventures in Wonderland
by NQDonne
Summary: Buffy gets in to a fight with Xander, follows a fluffy bunny, and ends up in a topsy turvy world. Sequel to "For the Love of the Pilsbery Doughboy". PURE FLUFF!


Title: Buffy's Adventures in Wonderland

Title: Buffy's Adventures in Wonderland

Author: Duchess of Buffonia

Disclaimer: Joss owns Buffy (damn!), Skittles are Skittles, Papa Smurf and his beer wenches… well it's all creative interpretation.

Summary (whole thing): Sequel to "For the Love of the Pilsbery Doughboy"; which can be found on Beloved by the Zeppo ([http://www.bbtz.net][1]). Buffy and Xander have a fight; which prompts Buffy to run away, inadvertantly leading her to a topsy turvy new place…

Rating: TV- 14, for inplicated Skittles use and for Papa Smurfs repetitive use of the word b*tches.

Authors Note: once again dedicated to Chris, who has been pestering me for a sequel for two weeks.

Feedback: Darn straight! I do take requests for wackiness in the following parts… [alexathain@web.de][2] , please!

*********

"Wow." Buffy panted slightly as she exclaimed in wonder; leaning back against the wall behind Xander's bed. Her hair was mussed, her brow lined with sweat, and her eyes seemed to be glazed over in a daze. Xander was a similar picture; his hair slicked back from the sweat accumulated and a sloppy grin planted on his face. "Uh, huh." Was all he could muster; while he thought of how a ciggarette would perfectly compliment this moment.

"I just," Buffy opened her eyes widely as another desparate breath escaped her throat, "never knew you could do that with Skittles." This prompted a bigger grin on Xander's part as he added his thoughts, "Especially the blue ones." He chuckled slightly; which made Buffy crack a smile as well. 

"It took forever." She changed to a pout. Xander kept smiling, "Well, what did you expect?"

"Good point." Buffy was now grinning. This left them in complete silence; they simply sat admiring their work. "I think we should put it away." Xander hopped out of bed and jogged over to the mini Starry Night replica made entirely out of Skittles that was leaning against the wall. Buffy pushed the stray bits of hair behind her ears, "It's gonna look so nice in the new apartment; I *have* told you how much I love the new apartment, right?"

"Repeatedly." Xander called from the other room; his voice echoing through the new apartment; which was still lacking adequate furnature. "Yeah," Buffy continued, "It's so much nicer than your parent's basement; you know, what with the no parents aspect." Xander waltzed back in carrying two wine glasses and a bottle of 1990 Italian Chardoney, "And because that beer wench smell is so hard to get out of the carpet."

Buffy frowned slightly, recalling the fact that Xander was named Sexiest Man Alive and that Riley was now an international pop star; the image of him in lederhosen and bleach blond hair giving her the shivers. She tried to replace this ghastly image with something more pleasant, but all she could come up with was Xander poking Angel with a stick. She gave up and addressed Xander once more, "Xandy-pie?"

Xander was fiddling with the cork of the wine bottle and inadvertantly answered, "Yes Dawn?". Buffy's eyes opened wide with horror at this mistake, "No, Buffy. My name is Buffy!" Buffy looked around her frantically; as though the answers to her distress were in the surrounding area, "How could you?" she shrieked as she placed her hands over her eyes and rubbed the skin above her eyebrows. She turned his words over in her head and thought of what they could possibly mean; the revelation was hardly a pleasant one, "Oh, God; what have you done with my little sister?" Buffy screamed this at the top of her lungs and Xander's mouth dropped in shock at the inference. She threw the covers back, swung her legs over the side of the bed, and put her hand over her mouth; trying to hold back the disgusting images playing over in her head, "I think I'm gonna be sick!"

"What?" Xander asked; completely baffled, "No! Ewww!" Xander twisted his facial features to convey complete disgust at the thought of him and Dawn doing the wacky. "She's a child!" he exclaimed and tried to come up with an explanation for his calling her Dawn, "It's just that she always calls me that and you sound exactly like her… sorry!" He offered a shrug and held his hands out in appeasement. "Buffy, you know I love you; I've always.." 

Buffy interrupted him as she jumped out of bed and began to collect her discarded items of clothing, "No, sorry won't cut it. You want Dawn, you can have her." Buffy flew past Xander and out the bedroom door. As she unlatched the front door she called out, "Enjoy your prison term." The sound echoed and hit Xander's ears like a thousand daggers. Before Xander could adequately protest or go after her, she had slammed the front door behind her.

*******

Buffy stormed down the apartment stairs; passing Papa Smurf and his aunterage of beer wenches on her way. Papa Smurf, recently having been released from the hospital, was still slightly bruised, but the crack induced grin on his face made up for all of his past unhappiness. 

"Buffinator!" he exclaimed as he motioned to his wenches to step aside, "Word up to your mother!" he held out his hand to Buffy; which she slapped, thus beginning the super top secret Big Brother hand shake. "I'll tell her you said hi." Buffy said through the tears that were still pouring down her cheeks from her encounter with Xander. She sniffled and continued speaking with Papa Smurf; to be polite. "How's the crack?"

"Fine as bitches!" Papa Smurf exclaimed as he smacked the ass of a pretty blond beer wench with a plunging neckline and short skirt, "and my bitches is fine as a mother!" Buffy smiled, "I'll be sure to give her the compliment."

Although Papa Smurf normally loved to stay and chat; he had some business to attend to; namely beating Riley over the head with a blunt object. He smiled his trademark "crack smile" (copyrighted by the WB; you steal it, you die) and bid her farewell, "It's all good; it's all good. I must be going to tend to some business." 

"Smoking crack and having sex with your beer wenches?" Buffy offered. Papa Smurf nodded his head in approval, "Actually, no, but that's a damn fine idea. Be seeing ya!"

"Bye!" Buffy called out to him as he continued up the stairs. She sniffled again and wished that she had that hair scarf that Riley had turned into a hankerchef. This is when Buffy had an epiphany. If Xander was so smitten over her little sister; she would have to make him jealous so he would come back to her. She resolved to find Riley, have a sex romp, and take some incriminating photographs; subsequently make Xander so jealous that he would come back to her! She skipped her way down the stairs as logic (in the form of the Pokemon Picachu) looked on and shook it's head in disapproval.

**End Part One**

Title: Buffy's Adventures in Wonderland (2/?)

Disclaimer: Joss owns Buffy, Bill Gates owns himself (literally; he bought himself for a cool 10 million)

Summary (this part): Buffy follows a bunny down a rabit hole, Bill Gates gets bitchy, imagine the fun.

Rating: TV- 14, for rude rabbits and a wicked Bill Gates.

Authors Note: once again dedicated to Chris, who has been pestering me for a sequel for two weeks.

********

The day was a beautiful one; the sky was a quaint shade of blue and the clouds were drifting by at a leisurely pace, forming ambiguous shapes as they went. Buffy skipped along the sidewalk; taking in the fresh fall smell and kicking the leaves out from under her feet. She remembered why this was her favorite time of year; because of the smell and color of the foilage. Nothing complimented hunting through the graveyard more than the smell of a stark October season.

Buffy herself was peering at the clouds; which at that moment had aligned themselves in the shape of "The Last Supper" by DaVinci. "Darn Judas," Buffy muttered under her breath and she crossed her arms over her chest. That was when she saw it: a fluffy little bunny; the kind she had always wanted for Easter, but her mother would never get for her, babbling on about "animal rights" or something. It was pure white and seemed to be hopping along on only it's hind legs; its floppy ears flapping in the breeze. Most appealing was the little tail; which fluffed out and was tempting Buffy more than she would have liked.

"I'll catch it!" Buffy decided and began to chase the poor creature. As she drew closer to the bunny and as the two of them ran closer to a thicket of trees; Buffy noticed that it was carrying; of all things, a pocket watch. A sterling silver Timex pocket watch.

"I'm late! I'm late!" It was shrieking at the top of it's lungs; which didn't offer too much air power anyway, so only Buffy seemed to be able to hear it. Buffy was confused. Firstly, how was it that a lowly fluffy white bunny rabbit could better afford a nicer time piece than a Slayer; who after all did have to save the world every now and then? Her other thought was given to the fact that this little bunny was actually speaking.

"I'm late, I'm late; for a very important date!" It cried as it stopped in front of a rather large bunny hole. Buffy dashed up to it, "What are you late for? I'm sure the bus will take you." She crouched down and tried to get within reach of it's tempting little bunny tail.

The bunny flipped around defensively; trying to protect it's sacred tail, and spat at her, "Excuse me? As though a pretty little princess such as yourself would know anything about having to be to work on time." Buffy pouted at this lashing, "I *am* the Slayer you know; you really shouldn't be talking to me like that. Besides, I have a job."

"Killing demons isn't exactly a job Princess. I work for the real Queen in charge. Demon's quail in her prescene. On that note; I must be going." With that the bunny (who we'll just call Bob) flipped around and hopped down the bunnyhole; leaving Buffy stammering behind him. "Wait!" she called, "I just want to touch your fluffy little bunny tail!" She began to cry at her miserable state, but suddenly resolved to follow the bunny down the hole and meet with this fancy dancy Queen and see what she was all about. "Demons quail in my presence too… so there!" Buffy muttered like a reprimanded child as she crawled head first into the bunny hole.

As the result of months of anorexia; Buffy easily fit through the small hole, and found herself tumbling head first down a seemingly never ending pit of darkness! The fall was wild and fast; the wind whipped past Buffy as she flailed her arms for some sort of projectile to hang on to. After what seemed liked ages, but was really thirty seconds; Buffy found her self actually floating; her Vera Wang dress fluffing out to support her. For the first time of her fall; Buffy actually observed her surroundings. 

It was literal treasure trove! Gucchi hand bags, Prada jewelery, shoes, money (none of which she could grasp… damn!); after awhile, Buffy could only assume that this was the stash of that creepy little bunny; who must have been stealing it from some of the many victims of Sunnydale's "mysterious crime". Following a minute of peaceful, yet somewhat frantic attempts to snatch some of the treasures; Buffy landed gently on a steady, flat surface; presumably the ground.

She peered around her and found herself to be in a rather tight space; surrounded on all sides by coarse dirt wall. The only way to deturmine the way out was to grope along the wall; which Buffy really didn't favor doing. Despite her personal objections; a minute later Buffy's fingernails were caked with dirt and a door had been found. There was no obvious doorknob or keyhole, so Buffy simply pushed all her weight against the surface until it gave way and she fell into a large, empty space lined with soft fall leaves.

Buffy stood up and dusted herself off; sending the bits of dirt stuck to her pinafore flying. At first thought she thought she was in another space with no conspicous door, but upon closer inspection she realized that she was in a long hallway with one tiny door located at the end of it. She trodded down the hallway; a little bit preoccupied with the thought of having lost her fluffy bunny. At long last she came to the door; which reached a height only matching her knees! Having no idea how it was that she was supposed to get through this door; Buffy began to pout and stamp her foot in annoyance. 

"Hey! Hey! No stamping around my door girlie!"

Buffy suddenly heard of voice shouting these words. She saw no one in the general vacinity and decided she should examine the door more closely. Laying down on her stomach, Buffy gathered herself up on her elbows and perched near the door. Without warning, she heard the voice again, "That's right. Unless your willing to take me to court so that I can stop stealing profits from other deserving internet companies; you need to stop stamping your foot young lady."

Buffy took a closer look and found the doorknob to be none other than Bill Gates! "Wow, I'm sorry Mr. Gates," Buffy procured through her amazement. She smiled insipantly to appease him and then suddenly wrinkled her brow in wonder, "How did you get down there? I thought you lived in Cilicone Valley."

"I serve the Queen now. I am only her puppet. Coo hoo!!!" Bill Gates-knob suddenly let out a giggle as Buffy touched him with the tip of her finger. "Ahh!" she exclaimed and jumped back from the knob; firstly because he screamed and secondly because the gold glint hurt her eyes. She swallowed her surprise, "Her puppet, hey? Who is this Queen anyway, and how can I see her?"

"Why you have to come through the door of course." Bill Gates-knob informed her matter of factly; just before a *chi-ching* sound filled the air. "What was that?" Buffy pondered. "Oh, nothing," he replied, "You just hear a *chi-ching* sound whenever a nerd makes another million."

"Oh." Buffy shrugged her shoulders, not especially caring, "So, let me through, k?" 

"Why should I?" the knob asked her smartly with a smirk. Buffy wrinkled her brow and pursed her lips together, "You're magic door guy, and I say you should let me through. I'm the slayer, so if you don't; I'll slay you!"

Bill Gates pushed up his glasses (through the power of doorknob magic..) and rolled his eyes, "I'm a doorknob, Clairol Shade 101; you can't slay me." Buffy defensively patted her gleaming box-blond hair and shot darts at him with her eyes, "Uh huh! I can too! Don't go making me mad!!!" Buffy kicked her foot on the floor once more in frustration; bobbing her head along with assertion. With one more roll of the eyes Bill Gates responded, "Now your being just plain rediculous. Grow up; will you? 'I'm the slayer, I'm the slayer! Do what I say!'" he imitated her with stunning accuracy and continued, "Gee! Would you just go away?"

Buffy smiled sacrinely, "I can't go away unless you let me through the door." Bill Gates began to mutter under his breath; most likely cursing at her; until he finally opened the door. The space seemed far larger than the door itself had been, and Buffy simply crawled through. Once all the way inside the space; she sat back on her knees and smiled, "Ha, ha; I win!" she cantered; to which Bill Gates replied by slamming the door and promptly hitting her in the ass. "Oww!" she lept away from the door rubbing her sore behind and looking forward to what was in front of her. She found nothing. Clear space. 

**End Part Two**

Title: Buffy's Adventures in Wonderland (3/?)

Disclaimer: Joss owns Buffy, that guy owns Ally Macbeal; no: she is not anorexic… I'm not speculating that she is!

Summary (this part): The "eat me" "drink me" debate; and a little Olympic magic.

Rating: TV- 14, Because Calista Flockhart is the voice of reason.

Authors Note: this is dedicated to eating disorders; they truly are a horrible problem facing todays generation.… and I have nothing against skinny people; the sarcasm is for dramatic purposes.

********

The walls were a sickly white color; reminiscent of an insane asylum; although those usually employed at least a nice stuco green color. Like the other rooms she had found herself in; this one required closer inspection until Buffy discovered a table at the far corner. There were two items on the table; a small cake that said "eat me" and a vial of liquid with "drink me" printed on the label. 

After months of fasting, Buffy was starving. She eyed the little cake greedily and licked her lips with anticipation. She *really* wanted it. Just as she was about to grab the cake; a voice in her head interupted her.

"Buffy! You'd better not do that." Buffy was shocked and snatched her hand away from the cake. She answered herself; out loud, "Who are you? What do you want with me?" She heard a frustrated sigh in her head, "I'm the voice of twisted Hollywood reason; otherwise known as Calista Flockhart of Ally Macbeal."

Buffy smiled, "Wow! Cool, I have a tv star in my head! Damn schitzophrenics got nothing on me now!" The voice in her head; otherwise known as Calista Flockhart, cleared her throat in annoyance as she tried to retain Buffy's attention, "Anyhow; if you eat that you'll regret it."

"Why?" Buffy asked with a childlike tone; the kind you always use with your parents when you want to thoroughly annoy them. "Because if you eat that cake it won't be the last. The next thing you know it's not one cake; it's a hundred, and then you start to get fat… really fat. 'Pushing one hundred pounds' fat. Before you know it your agent stops calling and the network wants a meeting… oh God I'm hungry!!!!!!" Calista-voice began to cry in anguish and Buffy licked her fingers; still wanting that cake.

"Um… could you go away now? I really want to eat that cake." Buffy pouted and began to tap her foot with inpatience. "Don't do it Buffy; trust me," Calista continued to advice her on the evil ways of the Hollywood networks, "If the viewers can't see your bones protruding from your thin, waning skin; you'll lose work. The network will blackmail Joss into killing off your character; leaving Riley to fight the evil of the world. They'll make him wear a skirt and say "Bite me" and everything. Just don't do it."

"Oh! Blackmail… you mean the way that my stunt double was 'mysteriously fired'; I see what you mean. But I still want that cake. So, you gonna go away now?" Calista decided to simply give up; besides if Buffy got fat Ally Macbeal might get better ratings. "Fine," she sighed, "I'm going to go drink a protein shake and dance around in the unisex with a guy who hears Barry White."

With that she was gone; leaving Buffy to eat the cake. She took it in her hands; admiring the fine design of the writing. "Eat me", Buffy read outloud. "Well, that's a little rude, but okay!". She took a little nibble, and then another; and soon had devoured the entire thing. A small burp escaped her throat as she giggled from the sugar surge that had just reached her bloodstream. When she looked around the room once more; she found another surprise, there was a mirror located near the table! She sauntered over to it to admire her figure and was horrified to find that she was fat… beyond fat! She had to be at least 110 pounds!

Buffy began to cry; it was all she could do. She poked and prodded, but couldn't get the rolls of fat to subside. She stamped her foot in violent protest as the tears flowed down her face and hit her double chin. "Ugh!" she cried in anguish, "Calista was right! Damn sweet cakes! What if they fire me?" she began to pace, "Oh god, what if they kill me off. For the love of God, what if they replace me with Riley… in a skirt?" Buffy cried more than ever, and soon a small puddle had formed at her feet. The fumes from the tears reached her nose; their cold air filling her lung cavity. Within a moment she was taken over by a cold, because all the nutritients had been whiped from her body. A sudden urge to sneeze overtook Buffy, but she resisted it.

She huffed, and puffed, and then blew the house down! The sneeze echoed through her entire body; inadvertantly breaking one of her feeble ribs. "Ow!" she cried out, "Didn't this happen to Kate Moss once? What am I going to do? I'm anorexic, still fat, and now I've broken a rib!" Through her tears Buffy once again noticed the vile that said "drink me". Being that she had no other options, she decided to drink it. Buffy hobbled over to the table; all the while clutching her rib cage in pain.

The vile was a nice shiny blue color and once opened a sweet cherry smell filled the air. Buffy breathed in the scent, and began heaving from the painful sensation it sent to her ribcage. Without hesitation, she drank the liquid and instantly collasped on the ground.

Five minutes later she slowly came to and discovered that the pain her ribs was gone! The liquid must have been some magical liquid! Buffy clapped her hands in joy and jumped to her feet. The mirror still stood there and she glanced at her figure. The fat seemed to have melted off; so much so that she could see her protruding ribcage once more! The room must have changed again while she was unconscious, because now there appeared to be a door at the far end of the room. From her position; Buffy could see that the sun was shining and that the birds were singing. She skipped out of the room with quite a fervor; only to drop ten feet into a pool of water.

Buffy landed with a huge splash, and as she rose to the surface she seemed to hear a menagerie of clapping. She was not mistaken; for as she resurfaced she found her self in front of a large audience! They were clapping away and a row of judges were holding up numbers. A voice came over the loudspeaker, "The score for Buffy Anne Summers: 5,6; 5,6; 5,6; 5,6; 5,6; 5,6."

Buffy stayed put; completely dumbfounded. A voice came over the loudspeaker, "Oh, Phil! That was a lousy dive. Wouldn't you agree?"

Phil: "Yes Cindy Mae, I completely agree. Let's replay that again for the viewing audience."

She skipped out of the room with quite a fervor; only to drop ten feet into a pool of water. Buffy landed with a huge splash, and as she rose to the surface she seemed to hear a menagerie of clapping. She was not mistaken; for as she resurfaced she found her self in front of a large audience! They were clapping away and a row of judges were holding up numbers. A voice came over the loudspeaker, "The score for Buffy Anne Summers: 5,6; 5,6; 5,6; 5,6; 5,6; 5,6."

Cindy Mae: "I am right; that was a lousy dive. Back to the big man in charge."

Big announcer dude: "So, that leaves the United States Olympic Diving Team desprately losing. Congraguations Buffy summers; China now will take home the gold and silver medals. Those wacky German's get the bronze. You're a loser. Have a nice day!" 

The arena became silent and Buffy noticed that a troupe of sycnchronized swimmers were entering the water. They all began to stare at her; their frilly pink swim caps and goggles shimmering with small beads of water. "Um, could you please get out of the pool?" Buffy was shocked to hear a loud voice call out to her. She looked over to the side of the pool and saw a man in a lounge chair holding a megaphone in one hand and waving to her with the other. "I can't film this scene unless you get out of the water." He reiterated. 

Buffy looked around her again. The arena, audience, judges, and that mean Cindy Mae were gone. All that was left was this man, a camera, and a very small film crew. She wasn't exactly sure if he was talking to her, so she mouthed the word, "me?" and pointed to herself. The directly lowered his Rayban sunglasses slightly and nodded slowly; the movements somehow looking as sarcastic as they were. "Oh." Buffy pouted and swam to shore. She was met by a towel provided by the directors assistant and commenced drying herself off. As she was shaking her hair out; the director cleared his throat once more in annoyance and looked squarely at her. "This is a closed set. You'll have to leave."

"Me?", More mouthing, more pointing. The director rubbed his temples as the headache began to form, "Yes." He asserted. Buffy grew very uncomfortable and silently crept off to the rim of the forest. After lingering for a moment; as to watch the swimmers some more, she got an evil stare from the director and finally retreated into the thicket. Little did she know there were witches afoot!

**End Part Three**

Title: Buffy's Adventures in Wonderland (4/?)

Summary (this part): A little witchcraft; Willow Dum & Tara Dee style.

Rating: TV- 14, Because of a little um… double enuendo with the Dee/Dum twins.

Authors Note: dedicated to all the wacky Europeans who still manufacture stick shifts…

Feedback: Darn straight! I do take requests for wackiness in the following parts… [alexathain@web.de][2] , please!

********

It was only a minute after Buffy had ventured into the forest that she heard it; strange high pitched cackling. As she came closer to the freaky-ass noise; she was also able to see those who were producing it. It seemed to be two women, a blond and a red head, both dressed in matching forest green chifon dresses; dancing around a bubbling culdrun. The culdron seemed to be omiting strange mists of light; which reminded Buffy of her favorite Disney movie, _Sleeping Beauty_.

"Culdron bubble, toil and trouble." The blond witch shouted and the red head continued, "fair is foul and foul is fair… wait a minute." The red head stopped chanting and dancing, "Isn't that a little bit cliché? Real witches don't actually do that, do they?" The blond witch lowered the hood of her cape, "Well, no. But, it is a lot of fun, huh?"

Red head; otherwise known as Willow Dum shook her head in protest, "That's not the point! I really find it rather degrading." Tara Dee remained quiet, but approached her dear friend and comforted her by rubbing her back. Buffy decided to tiptoe around the scene; hopefully avoiding a confrontation with the two.

She attempted to tiptoe through the brush, but ended up stepping on a fallen tree branch; which cracked loudly under her feet. The two witches glanced up from their work and saw the skinny blond thing before them. Before Buffy could react accordingly by running away like a scared little girl; the pair skipped up to her; their backs hunched and their fingers curled before them. (in grand "creeping witch" fashion)

"Why, what do we have here?" crooned Tara Dee, as she licked her lips and rubbed her hands together in anticipation. "It's a little girl!" shrieked Willow Dum, who jumped up and down while clapping her hands together. "I love little girls!" Tara Dee cried and grabbed Buffy's arms signaling to Willow Dum that they should lead her closer to the fire. They dragged the reluctant Buffy closer to the raging fire; where she could smell the boiling corpses of toads and forest animals.

"Should we eat her?" questioned Willow Dum; who was entirely unsure as to how this was done. "No," answered Tara Dee, "we'll save that for later. First, we ask her where she's come from." Willow Dum scratched her forehead in wonder, "Why? I like the eating part; it's the best part!"

"Shhh!" hissed Tara Dee, "There are other things you can do with little girls!" she spat into the fire; which hissed accordingly. "Sure," huffed Willow as she crossed her arms over her chest and stamped her foot, "Whatever." 

Tara Dee simply rolled her eyes at Willow Dum's childish display and turned to Buffy. "What is your name little girl?" Buffy hunched back and stuttered quietly, "Um, Um, I, um…" 

"Well out with it girlie!" cried Tara Dee with a laugh. "We won't hurt you." Buffy's eyes opened wide with surprise, "What? You said you were going to eat me!" 

Willow Dum began to laugh hysterically from behind her, "Eat you? Whatever do you mean? We don't eat _people_!" Buffy bit her lip in confusion, "Huh?" she muttered. She found that Tara Dee and Willow Dum were smiling sweetly back at her. They seemed nice enough; although she couldn't quite figure out why they stood before her with their arms around each other. "Um, okay." Buffy finally subsided, "I'm Buffy. Are you two sisters or something?"

"Don't be silly! Were just partners," Tara Dee smiled at Willow Dum, "In magic."

"That's right," countered Willow Dum, "Magic." 

Buffy felt more at ease with the two and sat down on a nearby log. She rubbed her hands together, savoring the warmth of the fire. "So," she began as the two took seats near her, "What kind of magic are you doing now?" 

"Oh, nothing special." Answered Tara Dee, "we're trying to teach Willow Dum how to drive stick." Buffy furrowed her brow in confusion, "Stick? Can a potion do that?" Tara Dee offered her a piece of bread, but she declined, "Probably not." Tara Dee offered, "but it's a memory spell, not a teaching spell. We've been experimenting with all sorts of new potions lately."

"Cool! Could I try one?" asked Buffy eagerly, beaming from ear to ear with a smile. Willow Dum and Tara Dee shared a series of glances, "Maybe it's not such a good idea." Willow Dum answered after a short while, "These things are really hard to just… share."

"Oh." Buffy pouted and decided to work on finding her bunny. "Have you guys seem a little white rabbit running by? I really need to touch his fluffy little bunny tail."

"A white rabbit?" Tara Dee answered Buffy's question with a question. "Hm…" she signaled to Willow to look through their bag of spells. 

"Toad, old shoe, something borrowed, something blue," Willow Dum muttered as she tossed random items aside; which Tara Dee and Buffy had to dodge accordingly. "Chris's Playboy, Boyzone video, oh! Rabbit!" Willow Dum crawled out of the bag and held up a tall rabbit; who had a carrot between his teeth. 

"Ahhhh, what's up Doc?" Bugs Bunny pondered as he kicked at Willow Dum to be let down. Buffy sighed morosely, "That's not the one."

"Oh." Willow Dum said nonchalantly, "Well, we've got the pig too; if that helps." She pulled out Porky Pig; who did a little dance and began to randomly stutter. "Nope." Buffy said; kicking at the dirt beneath her feet. Willow Dum was disapointed; this was her first time pleasing a stranger and she wanted to get it right. "Um… how about this?" Miss Piggy appeared out of nowhere and started chasing Porky around the fire. Willow Dum saw the look of disapointment and tried again, "Rabbits, huh? Right." 

"Hiya!!!!" the group heard Miss Piggy utter a fierce warrior cry as she tackled Porky. She looked up feebly and noticed that Tara Dee, Willow Dum, and Buffy were staring at her; their mouths wide open and their eyebrows raised. "What?" she grunted. The group simply shrugged and turned back to the task at hand.

Five minutes; Bugs & Babs from Tiny Toons, The Cadbury Cream Egg Bunny, and the Easter Bunny later, Buffy stood by the sidelines crying; having not found her rabbit. She kicked the dirt under her feet once more; inadvertantly smacking Porky in the face. 

"Oh! I'm so sorry!" Buffy exclaimed worridly. "Piikee, Pikee, it's all right." Porky stuttered as he stood shyly in front of the beautiful maiden, "Ebdya, ebdya, Nuh, nuh, no big deal." He smiled, blushing all the while. Buffy smiled slightly and continued her sob story, "I'm just so peeved about not finding my fluffy little bunny. I'm so angry I could just spit!" Buffy huffed and rested her head on her wrists; which were braced on her knees.

Meanwhile, Willow Dum was completely distraught and was on the verge of crying. Tara Dee went to comfort her; rubbing her back tenderly and whispering comforting words. Buffy took this opportunity to pat Porky on the head in farewell and escape this strange pair, but managed to grab that Boyzone video before skittering off.

She walked for what was roughly a half hour until she came to a clearing in the forest. Before her was a quaint little house; a two story painted in the purest white with green shutters adorning the windows. She heard loud shouting coming from inside and thought that maybe these people had seen her fluffy little bunny, so she went up to the front door and prepared to knock, but the door seemed to simply open before her.

**End Part Four**

Title: Buffy's Adventures in Wonderland (5/?)

Disclaimer: Joss owns Buffy;damn, Drake belongs to _Friends'_ writers.

Summary (this part): These are the Days of Our Lives.

Rating: TV- 14, for repetitive out of character use of Faith and Wesley for the sake of a very twisted soap opera scene.

Authors Note: to the Brits: Days of Our Lives is my fave American soap opera.. just imagine East Enders or something (which I also used to watch!)

********

* Faith paces back and forth between the couch and the coffee table. Across the floor stands our rogue hero; Wesley. Focus shot of Faith's worried expression, Pan out to see Wesley standing impatiently; tapping his foot. *

Wesley: "So, what do you have to say for yourself?"

Faith: (looks nervously up at Wesley) "Wesley, darling; you could never understand!" (she raises her hand to her forehead and looks on in worry)

Wesley: (marches up to Faith and grabs her arm passionately) "Understand what? You must speak to me!" (he dramatically raises his eyebrows as he speaks and waves his head with a flourish.)

Faith: (pouts) "Must I?" (she looks straight into the camera) "Must I?"

* enter dramatic "hourglass music" Hourglass graphic flashes on the screen. *

Deep Anouncer Voice Guy: "These are the days of our lives" (duh nuh, nuh nuh nuh.. music, etc).

* We come back to that dramatic shot of Faith and then switch to camera two, Wesley's POV)

Wesley: "Please, tell me what's wrong! I'm *dying*" (he dramatically punches his hand over his chest; where his heart is.) "not knowing!"

Faith: "But do you *really* want to know? Really? Will you still love me after I tell you? Will you?"

Wesley: (takes both her hands in his and holds them up to his chest) "Of course I will, darling! Of course…" (he trails off in doubt, raising a doubtful eyebrow to the camera; which Faith cannot see)

Faith: (pulls away from Wesley and plops herself down dramatically on the arm of the couch) "I'm pregnant." (dramatic music clip, close up shot of Faith, close up shot of Wesley's reaction: his mouth open wide with shock. Back to Faith) "And that's not all." (super dramatic music clip, close up shot of Faith, close up shot of Wesley's reaction: his mouth open wide with shock. Back to Faith) "The baby's not yours." (super duper dramatic music clip, close up shot of Faith, close up shot of Wesley's reaction: his mouth open wide with shock.)

Wesley: (mouth still open in shock. He suddenly becomes calm again.) "Tis all right baby-cakes; I was only using you for a sex romp."

Faith: (gasps in shock) "What? How could you? Only *I* can use men for sex romps!" (she draws her hand to her forehead once more; dramatically posistioning her arm as well) "And you were my watcher! I trusted you!"

Wesley: (smiled slyly) "Well, baby; I found someone better than you; without the bondage."

Faith: (gasps in shock, panning close up) "No bondage? Who? Tell me, who?" (she flounces off of the couch and emphatically gestures with her hands.)

Wesley: (crosses his arms over his chest in satisfaction) "Buffy."

* enter Buffy *

Faith: (flips around to face the door; her eyes filled with anger. Dramatic closeup) "You!" (she points at Buffy accusingly) "You!"

Buffy: (puts her hands on her hips) "Me? And?"

Faith: "You bitch!" (lunges at Buffy.)

* Cat fight ensues. Wesley goes to the kitchen to pop some popcorn. Fast paced music; hair pulling, clothes ripping, and within thirty seconds Wesley returns with his popcorn. Being that we can magically make two days last for a week in this world; in this case lets just pretend that it only takes up one minutes of screen time. Enter Drake Remore.*

Drake: (desprately tries to break up the fight, but Wesley smacks him upside the head; inferring that he is enjoying with girl on girl, Slayer on Slayer action) "Girls! What on earth are you doing?" (tweezers…he raises an eyebrow for the camera)

Faith: (pulls her self from Buffy's grasp) "Drakey!!!!!" (she leaps across the room, jumps on Drake, and straddles him; planting kisses on his rough visage).

Drake: "Faith, Faith; please. You'll sully my neat doctor's uniform!" (he steps away from her and carresses the lining of his stark white doctor's uniform. Panning closeup as he flexes his muscles for the camera.)

Faith: (smiles doed eyed like) "Okey Dokey Drakey!" (she suddenly turns fierce and swings around to face Wesley) "See! I found a *real* man."

Buffy: "So did I!" 

* She smiles competitively, Wesley has a sastisfied look on his face. She sees this. Close up as her face changes to that of correction. *

Buffy: "Xander." (She shrugs matter of factly. Wesley's face falls. Faith smiles with satisfaction; as she coddles Drake.)

Wesley: "So *this*" (Wesley looks Drake up and down, panning shot of his muscular frame; Faith and Buffy swoon.) "Is the father of your baby?" (dramatic music clip, close up shot of Faith, close up shot of Drake's reaction: his mouth open wide with shock. Back to Wesley.) "He didn't know? Oh, this is bloody entertaining!" (he has a sadistic grin on his face; close up as he raises his eyebrows in amusment.)

Faith: "Drake…" (she mutters as he backs away from her) "Baby, please!"

Drake: "It isn't mine." ." (super dramatic music clip, close up shot of Drake looking down in shame, close up shot of Faith's reaction: her mouth open wide with shock. Back to Drake) "I'm impotent." ." (super duper dramatic music clip, close up shot of Faith's reaction: her mouth open wide with shock, close up shot of Buffy & Wesley, she in his arms; both mouths open wide with shock Back to Faith)

Faith: "What!" (she flails her arms about with confusion) "I can't believe this! You mean that twit" (she points accusingly at Wesley) "Is the father of my baby? Ewwww!" (she shakes her hands out in disgust)

Buffy: "What!" (she pushes Wesley away) "You had sex with *her*?" (she points at Faith, eyebrows raised dramatically in disgust) "Ewww! You're her watcher… that's like… incest or something!"

Wesley: (begins to push his glasses up in protest) "I am *not* her watcher." (he puts his hands on his hips) "And she was very suductive… it's her fault!"

Buffy: (on the verge of crying) "Did you enjoy it? Huh?" (she pokes Wesley with her index finger; he flies backwards over the couch) "God! I can't deal with this!"

* She runs crying from the house. Faith looks forlornly at her British twit (Duchess sighs… she wishes *she* had a British twit… named Wesley: stop thinking like that Chris!) and stomps on Drake's foot; who dramatically falls down a nearby elevator shaft. *

Dramatic Anouncer Dude: "And those; are the Days of Our Lives. Tune in next time!"

* Corny hourglass motif with music. Fade out *

**End Part Five**

** **

** **

Title: Buffy's Adventures in Wonderland (6/?)

Disclaimer: Joss owns Buffy;damn and somebody owns "Sesame Street on Marijuana" (Giles's crack babblings) from Napster.

Summary (this part): The Spice Girls come out to play... Giles does some Smurf crack...

Rating: TV- 14, Hello? Spice Girls and Giles on crack... sounds dangerous to me! Also, some implicated cursing via Jerry Springer beeps.

Authors Note: This part is dedicated to Chris because he's been fearing that this would become another unfinished fic... hopefully not! And, to people who like David Beckham: the insults have been fabricated for Chris only! I really don't care...

********

Buffy ran confused from the quaint little house in the woods where she had just had a major cat fight with Faith and thrown herself at Wesley; of all people. Her head was spinning with thoughts... not literally spinning; well just a little, she had a little bit of that "bitchonic possession" that had been going around lately. She must have caught it from Willow or something. Anyhow, thoughts. Lots of thoughts... Faith and Wesley, her and Wesley; well, the thought of Wesley alone was confusing her more than anything. He had looked so... sexy in that little house. Buffy stompted her foot in protest against all the bad thoughts (little did she know it was all a product of hollywood marketing; since everyone is beautiful on television). She couldn't understand it: one minute she was running from Willow Dum and Tara Dee and the next she was stepping into a world of sporadic closeups, dramatic theme music, and thoughts of sexy Wesley dancing through her head.

She was moving forward quite quickly and didn't quite notice how fast the scenery was changing. What once was a peaceful wood was now a deep brush; with wild flowers that seemed to reach the sky towering above her. Buffy changed her pace to a gentle saunter and suddenly found herself humming the latest Westlife song; which was strange because she hated boy bands and had never heard a Westlife song in her life. Before she knew what was happening; Buffy was knocked upside the head with a 2 inch styrafoam Buffalo platform shoe.

"'ey you!" a strange voice cried out.

Buffy flipped around searching for the source of this strangely accented voice, but all she saw was the towering stalks of the flowers.

"Yea' you! The dumb blond." The voice continued.

Buffy defensively took her hand to her hair; smoothing down the silky blond locks. She still had no clue where the voice was coming from, but she was now too insulted to care.

"That's righ', Clairol # 5... where the 'ell you get off 'umming Westlife, eh? That just ain't accep'ble." The mysterious voice became agressive and Buffy had the strange feeling she was being flicked off.

"Righ' on gir'friend!" a new voice chimed in and Buffy finally realized what it was that seemed strange; they were British. 

A new voice entered the ring; this one was sweet and concerned, "I don't think she can see us, mates. Shouldn't we maybe get a lit'le closer?"

"Righ', Righ'"said another voice; this one a little more posh than the first three.

Buffy jumped back surprisedly as four tall flowers bent down to talk with her. Buffy furrowed her brow slightly; trying to place there faces. "Hey!" she exclaimed, her eyes lighting up, "Are you the All Saints?"

The four flowers peered at each other in annoyance. The buttercup, aka "Baby Flow" smiled sweetly, "Nope. Spice Girls... the original Girl band!

"The Spice Girls?" Buffy pondered. "Didn't you guys kinda disapear in '97?"

Scary Flow, the Snapdragon, huffed at her, "Noooooo. You Americans 'ave been livin' in a closet for the past three years. Everywhere ELSE in the world we have had a hit album and have a new one coming out... so you should all go buy "Forever"!"

Buffy looked skeptical, "Was that just a shameless plug?"

"Yeah Mel," said Posh Flow (the Rose), "Duchess doesn't even HAVE the new album... she just has our singls bootlegged on her burned cd."

"But she 'as the other two... even though she doesn't tell anyone that." Corrected Mel B.

Buffy giggled to herself, "And then there was that stupid movie. I saw that... it was awful!!!! Ow!" Sporty Flow (Dandylion) used her other Buffalo shoe to stomp on Buffy's foot. "Excu'e me; I think Duchess actually rather enjoyed that movie... the second time... when she had the flu and was totally drugged up on Ibuprofin and ice cream."

"Wha'? She didn't like it the first time? What a bitch!" Scary Flow errupted.

"Hey!" protested Buffy, "She is NOT a bitch! When Angel was brooding, who had Xander poke him with a stick? When Riley was a schmuck, who made him an international singing sensation? When Papa Smurf was in the hospital, who gave him Xander's beer wenches? I think Duchess is an American hero!"

"Well I," Posh Flow lifted her nose in protest, "think she's awful, givin' me such a cockney accent... I do no' talk like this!" The Spice Girls all started chattering in aggreeance; except for Baby Flow; who didn't like fighting. "Girls, Girls!" she shouted. "Let's not fight! We should sing something."

"Good idea, mate!" shouted Scary Flow. "What song then? I think Spice Up Your Life wou'd be nice."

"No, No, I 'ave a bet'er idea!" Posh Flow interrupted, "Holler, I like that song." Scary Flow disagreed, "What? So you can sing more than anyone else? No."

Emma tried to appease everybody, "All righ', how about Let Love Lead the Way?" Posh disagreed this time, "No! You sing through the entire second half! Come to think of it; I hardly ever sing!" Posh Flow started to pout, so her lovey-dovey, David Beckham, misspelled Hindu tattoo and all, began to appease her, "Now, now Princess. It's all okay Princess, righ' Princess?" Posh simply narrowed her eyes at him and cantered, "Stop calling me bloody Princess! You can't even spell my name right you idiot! And Chris hates the way you play soccer, so there!" The other Spice Girls waited for her to finish before they started arguing fiercely among themselves again; this time about songs parts, descants, Geri...

"Hey, hey!" Buffy tried to shout over them all, "How about NO song?" she smiled hopefully; thinking maybe she could leave, but they all just glared at her evily. "So what? Our songs ain't good enough for you?" asked Baby Flow. 

"What? I..." Buffy stuttered. Scary Flow narrowed her eyes, "Let's get her girls!" Before Buffy knew it a shower of Stiletto heels and 5 inch boots came sailing at her; beaning her direct on the head and all over the rest of her body. She tried to run, but the Spice Girls seemed to be throwing their entire shoe regimes at her and she could barely move. Buffy knew there was only one way to save herself. She conviently had her Sony discman and loud speaker system with her, so she pulled it out and placed one of her cds in it. She chose the first song and hit play.

The tones omitted were all too familiar to the whole crew... it was Look At Me, the first single from Geri Hallowell's attempt at a solo career. The song blasted loudly at them and they all began to scream in protest. Buffy watched in horror was they all began to pull their hair out and shrink away like those leafy things in Ursula's garden in _The Little Mermaid_. They all shot out their arms; attempting to grab Buffy and take her with them to that place where the pop bands that are Duchess's guilty pleasure go... far, far, away to Neverneverland, but Buffy dashed out of their grasp and ran; leaving her Discman. (no fear, we have a corporate sponsership from Sony and Buffy will recieve another one later).

She ran until she didn't think she could run anymore, and when she finally stopped; she found that the woods had completely thinned out and all that seemed to be looming above her was skinny weeds and mushrooms. "Bleh!" she exclaimed, because she hated mushrooms and could almost _feel _the spores multiplying and tainting her rosy skin. "This is so disgusting," she murmered to herself as she tried to wipe the icky feeling from her arms and torso, "I won't stand for this! I am so walking out on my contract; screw that damn show! I'm moving on to more serious projects!" by this time she was screaming at the top of her lungs.

"Well, that's rather bitchy; isn't it?" Buffy flipped around to see who the source of the British voice was and had a stake all ready incase it was David Beckham, but instead she found Giles behind her. "What?" Buffy questioned, "What do you mean Giles?"

"I _mean_," he stressed as his tone hit a whiny accent, "that **you**," he pointed at her drunkeningly, "are a bitch! Bitchy, witchy, ichy, ooh!" he started to giggle. "Yo, dude, you got any chips? I have some wiggin' hunger!" Buffy slowly backed away from trippin' Giles and said with eyebrows raised in disgust and disbelief, "Giles? Have you been delving into Papa Smurf's stash again? We told you that was a bad idea..." 

Giles just simpered at her and started giggling again, "Man, I am so f**ked up!" (insert fake Jerry Springer beeping sound). 

Buffy didn't know exactly how to respond to that, "Giles?" she asked, "How many fingers and I holding up?" she held up two fingers. Giles just grinned, "Joint!" he exclaimed loudly, "Today's letter is, uh, joint!" 

"Giles, that wasn't the question, and joint isn't a letter, it's a word." Buffy was at this point really worried; since the worst she had ever seen Giles was on a sugar high (too much Earl Grey), and that alone was scary. (pending lawsuits prevent me from detail)

"Right," Giles assured Buffy, "Sorry, today's letter is three!" (imagine his voice cracking on the three) "Um, Giles," Buffy said unsuredly, "Three is a number."

"Exactly!" Giles exclaimed, "The number three; which is how many joints I've smoked today!" Buffy took another step back, "Uh, Giles; I think you're stoned." 

He grinned wider, "Me too!!! I've got a jolly good idea; why don't we say our ABC's!" Buffy slowly began to back up, "Yeah, um, okay..."

Giles began, "A, B, C, D, um, R, Q, P... I forgot what we were doing Biffy." 

"Did you just call me Biffy, Giles?" Buffy questioned annoyingly. Grinning, Giles answered while nodding his head, "Yes, I did. Well, that's all the time we have for today. Today's show was brought to you in part by the letter...Bong." Buffy looked around her in wonder, "Who are you talking to?" she questioned him, but all he did was smile and move his lips silently as if he were talking to some hidden camera. She mouthed the word "Ok" and began to back further away.

As she was nearly out of the range of his smoke, she encouraged him on, "and the number?", she then murmered under her breath, "God, you're messed up."

"F**k you!" (synthetic beeping sound), "The show has been brought to you by the number f**k you!" Giles started laughing so hard that he nearly fell off his mushroom, but by that time Buffy was nearly fifty feet away and dashing at a pretty quick pace back into the forest.

End Part Six

Title: Buffy's Adventures in Wonderland (7/?)

Author: Duchess of Buffonia

Disclaimer: Joss owns Buffy;damn.

Summary (this part): One acrinim: BIS

Rating: TV- 14,A TRL parody... that should be at least rated R, wouldn't you think?

Authors Note:I like Carson Daly; I just like making fun of him too... don't be shocked by anything.

Feedback: Darn straight!I do take requests for wackiness in the following parts…alexathain@hotmail.com , please!

********

* Loud clapping fills the foreground of sound as the ceiling camera cranes downward to find Carson Daly through the crowd.Blur on Carson, focus on the TRL logo on the screen behind him, then focus back on Carson. *

Carson: "Welcome to TRL!We've got a great show for you today; the BIS Boys are here!"

* Sporadic cheering, screaming ensues.Carson just grins; hiding his inner hatred for Boybands. *

Carson: "Yes!That's later in our show, but now lets check out our number ten video!"

* Complete silence from the audience.A random audience member yells, "Screw that, we want the frickin' hotties to come out!" *

Carson: (smiling, although he'd prefer to smack the audience member and murder the boyband with a machetti; thus ensuring his status as Eminem's reference bitch), "All right then.No body actually watches this show anyway... day in and day out, the same ten videos... always!" (he starts wringing his hands together and his eyes bulge out with frustration) "Let's give a warm welcome to the BIS Boys!"

* The silence errupts into chaotic screaming, the girls start to cry and the boys pretending to be their boyfriends avoid the camera and simply await the entrance of their idols.The five members of BIS (Brooding Insipant Schmucks) run onto the set, Xander, Riley, and Parker grinning; Angel brooding andSpike flipping the birdie for the camera.*

Riley: "Hey y'all!What's up?" (he grins for the camera, extreme closeup on his pearly whites)

Carson: (shakes hands with all five members, Parker gives him the eye, he moves as far away as possible) "Thanks for being here guys.So, the new single is called "Bite Me", is there something special you can tell us about it?"

Riley: (the "Boy Next Door/Schmuck" type)"Well Carson, the single has two meanings really.On one level it's the ballad of a jilted lover..."

Carson: (interrupting... or interacting; whichever way you look at it) "A ballad that sounds strangely like an uptempo dance number?"

Riley: (just smiles dumbly) "Right.And on another level it's about the dark yearnings of a Slayer."

Carson: (looks confused) "A Slayer?What do you mean?"

Angel: (the "Heartthrob/Brooding" type) "He means nothing, he was kidding." (jabs Riley in the side with his elbow)"The song is really just a sassy piece about ill feelings."(he smiles weakly... swooning ensues as a large group of girls start screaming about having babies and being in love.)

Carson: "It seems as though quite a few of your songs are darker than, let's say, your first career as a pop star." (Carson turns to Riley, inferring his "Schmuck from Iowa" chart hit days... refer to Doughboy part 5)

Riley: "Right.It's not as though we're dark people..."

(Angel looks down at his feet and fingers the Hi-C Blood flavor juice box in his pocket, Parker thinks about his favorite tiara and stares dumbly into space, Spike eyes Carson's neck, Xander thinks fondly of poking Angel with a stick and chuckles softly to himself.)

Riley: "We just reflect the currect status of society."

Carson: (looks at Riley as though he's crazy) "What do you mean by that?"

Riley: (scratches his head dumbly) "I'm not exactly sure either, really."

Parker: (the "Heart Breaker with a 'wild' fashion sense/Insipant" type) "I think what he means is that everyone has a darker side and that pop can express that just as well as Rap or Children's Programs." (He smiles brightly for a closeup and a few of the guys holler cat calls.)

Xander: (the "Ordinary Joe/Humorous" type) "Yeah, because those Telletubies can be pretty dark!"(the audience chuckles and the girls swoon as they giggle amongst themselves.)

Spike: (the "Bad Boy w/ British Accent" type) "That was _so not bloody funny, mate!"_

Xander: "Bite me, Spike." (Xander motions to the stake he has tucked inside his jacket, some girl shouts out: "He's so sexy when he's assertive!")

Spike: (rolls his eyes) "I'd love to mate, but there's kinda a bloody chip in my head that's stopping me."

Xander: "Whoops!" (sarcastically draws his hand over his mouth in "shame") "I forgot!"

Angel: "Xander..." (warns him with his eyes to calm down; Xander motions to the poking stick in the other coat poket... Angel blushes (remember, it's my world) and shuts up.)

Carson: (looks desprately at his producer and motions with his eyes to get him the hell out of here) "But, that's what the song's all about, isn't it?"

Riley: "Exactly!" (he can't think of anything else to say.Dead silence in the studio)

Carson: (turns to Spike and holds up mike) "Spike, the name of the band is "Brooding Insipant Schmucks", you don't seem to be any of those things; do you feel at all out of place in the band?"

Spike: "Every bloody day of my bloody after life.I only joined the band because the little teenyboppers bring in a handsome profit.And I do feel rather degraded to have to work with the likes of Schmuck boy," (Riley starts as though insulted), "Sir Brood-a-lot," (Angel rolls his eyes), "And Insipant Wonder Boy." (Parker smiles for the camera proudly.)

Carson: (moves over to Xander) "Xander, you too seem oddly out of place in the band.You weren't one of the original members; we're you?"

Xander: "No.At first it was only Riley, Parker, and Angel and after they recruited/blackmailed Spike; they actually asked Papa Smurf to be the fifth member, but he was busy with his beer wenches." 

* Random male audience member, most likely Chris, yells: "Beer wenches, yeah!"*

Carson: "And so then they came to you?"

Xander: "Actually, no.I was their eleventh choice."

Carson: "Eleventh?"

Xander: "Eleventh." (he sighs and prepares for the long list)

Xander: "First they asked Giles; who was too doped up on Smurf crack, then Wesley; who had cancer, was being charged with murder, and was possessed by the devil (a little too cliche for the group), Percy; who was busy fawning over Willow (lost cause?), Eminem; who just kinda laughed ,Bob the Rabbit; who was late.. or something,Homer Simpson; who was too old," (Angel smirks),"and the Pilsbery Doughboy; who, being all pudgy and chuckly reminded everyone too much of Angel." (Angel frowns)

Xander: "Plus a few others." (he wipes the sweat off his brow and the camera focuses again on the whole group.Angel smacks Parker who is giving his number to a bleach blond guy in spandex from the audience)

Xander:(rolls his eyes at Parker, camera focuses back on Xander) "I only agreed because after loosing my beer wenches and having Angel take out a restraining order; I had nothing to do."

Carson: "Really?You've been linked in the media to a certain Buffy Summers; is that so?"

Xander: (looks down at his feet in sadness) "We broke up." 

* Angel murmers "Yes!" under his breath; Riley looks hopeful, Parker winks at a male audience member, Spike attempts to bite Carson and plans on professing his love to Buffy later. *

Carson: (stuck on how to move on) "Well, that's... interesting." (he moves away from Xander and then suddenly brightens up) "Anyway!The new album is called "Bump in the Night", so you should all go out and buy it!"

* The audience begins to cheer and screams, panning shot of girls holding up their albums and then a falling shot via the big window of hundreds of girls outside with signs. *

Carson: "So, that's it..." (Riley nudges Carson and speaks to him with his eyes.Carson rolls his eyes and dully mutters) "And now, the BIS Boys are going to treat us with a rare "live" performance!But, that's after the commercial break."

******** Commercial Break *********

(Imagine Commercials)

******** We Now Return You to Your Regularly Scheduled Program *********

* The crowd cheers and the boys, after having changed their clothing, are in another part of the studio, where multi-colored lights and a little stage have been set up.Riley is wearing a plaid shirt, pair of overalls, and a strawhat.Angel is dressed all in black and is brooding accordingly.Parker is dressed in the same outfit Britney Spears wore to the American Music Awards (Orange pimp hat, black bra which you can see, tacky orange and pink suit thingy... a cross between a pimp and a prostitute).Spike has on black leather pants and a white wife beater under his trademark leather coat.Xander is wearing jeans and some random shirt that doesn't compliment him at all.*

* The five position themselves on stage, each exemplifying their "image".Riley smiles goofily and tenses his arms in front of him as though he's going to a ho-down, Angel clasps his hands in front of him and broods, Parker sensually grabs at his chest, Spike throws his hands up in front of him as though he's lunging at prey and bares his fangs, and Xander just kinda stands to the side and looks at the others like they're crazy.Then the uptempo pop-y beat begins... *

(Musical number preempted for the sanity of the readers; just imagine mass lip syncing.)

***** Magical Time Lapse ******

* Panning shot of Carson applauding the preceeding performance *

Carson: "Wow guys! That was great."

Riley: (grins) "Thanks Carson."

Carson: "Well, that's all the time we have for today, tune in tomorrow; I'm sure another BoyBand will be stopping my and ensuring my decent into madness."

* End of shot, fade out on hundreds of screaming fans....Carson and the BIS Boys walk back into the greenroom; where Parker, Angel, and Spike join forces to abduct Carson and torture him with encore performances, flirting (Parker), and Angel's life story; which literally bores him to death, so Spike eats him.Xander just kinda channel surfs and thinks about Buffy and then Riley drops down on the floor unconscious because of that brain tumor that was mentioned in Doughboy. (How's that for tying up loose ends?)He's taken to the hospital and is now in intensive care.Papa Smurf is planning on visiting him and hitting him with a blunt object.*

End Part Seven

** **

Title: Buffy's Adventures in Wonderland (8/?)

Author: Duchess of Buffonia

Disclaimer: Joss owns Buffy;damn.

Summary (this part): Joss gets bitchy.

Rating: TV- 14,Joss gets bitchy.

Authors Note:

Feedback: Darn straight!I do take requests for wackiness in the following parts…alexathain@hotmail.com , please!

********

"Well," muttered Buffy, "That was the weirdest tea party _I've ever been to." Buffy walked briskly away from the scary scene she'd just witnessed: Riley, Parker, Angel, Spike, and Xander in a boyband._Before she could get any further, a strange chuckle filled her ears.

"Papa Smurf?" she quesioned.

"Nope.Guess again!" a voice from out of nowhere seemed to call."I really don't know." Buffy answered, "I don't even know where you are."

"Look up!" the voice answered.Buffy peered up into the tree and saw, of all people, Joss Whedon!"Who are you?" she demanded.He smiled, "That's not important; let's just call me God."Buffy looked annoyed, "God?Isn't that a bit extreme?You don't look like God to me."

"Well, Buffy; to your world I am God.And, I have to say that I've been a bit disappointed in you lately." Joss frowned and Buffy looked only confused."What?I'm the Slayer, what do you mean?"

"That's what I mean.You compensate for everything with "I'm the Slayer, I'm the star", but you forget that their are other people out there who are important; you're 'friends' for example.There would be no Buffy without Xander, Willow, Giles, Sofia Crawford, or the rest of the supporting cast: writers, producers, designers.You've been a major bitch since the end of season three; which might explain the sad decline of Buffy/Xander from season four and on."Joss, the God who strangely seemed to communicate Duchess's thoughts, frowned more on Buffy.

"I don't know what you're talking about!" Screeched Buffy. "Season?Decline of Buffy/Xander?There never was any Buffy/Xander; only fanfic writers have been able to do that."

"And do you know why?Because you've become so bitchy that I can't bare to put you and Xander together.You don't deserve him." Joss spat at her.

Buffy's mouth dropped in protest and she began to rant, "I don't deserve him?You mean he doesn't deserve me!I'm the Slayer, he's just... Xander."

Joss sighed with anger and frustration, "You're missing the point Buffy.He's just Xander, and that's exactly what makes him perfect for you.It's been that way since day, but you've been too comsumed with Angel to pay attention."

"From the beginning?That's crazy; it was Angel from the beginning."Buffy crossed her arms in sastisfaction; sure that she was right.

"I didn't say it was you from the beginning; I said it was Xander.He's been in love with you since the first moment he saw you; he's fought to protect you, even though you've made it pretty clear that you don't care."

"Protect me?Xander?" she scoffed at the notion, "I'd say it was the other way around."

"Perhaps nine times out of ten, yes.But he was there when it counted: Prophecy Girl, Phases, Killed by Death, Becoming Part II, Dead Man's Party, Revelations, Amends, The Freshman... shall I go on?" Joss knew he was right and crossed his arms accordingly as Buffy dropped hers.

"Okay, okay." She flopped her arms around in frustration, "So he saved me from dying like... twice; right?Big deal.So has Angel, or Giles, or Riley even."

"Actually, it's four times; and those were only the 'Buffy is really gonna die this time" times.All the other times where he supported you or simply tried to save you count in my book as well.As for Angel, don't even get me started with him.Can you actually name one time that he went out of his way to save you?"

"Yeah!" Buffy said in protest, "There was the... no," she paused, trying to think, "Then when he... um, no." Buffy was completely at a loss, "Um, no." She murmered quietly. "But that doesn't matter!" she screamed, "Xander's over me.That was all a really long time ago.He has Anya now."

"Over you my foot!You don't get over love like that in a day my dear; not even in a few years.Only death can stop something like that, and even at that sometimes it doesn't go away.Cordelia, Willow, Faith, Anya; they were just covers.Someone to make it seem like he was over you, and it worked to.You seem to think so, and it even has him convinced sometimes." Joss admitted sadly. 

"I don't know how to respond to that." Buffy looked down at her feet.

"Well, neither do I." Joss looked down at the ground.

"So, what am I supposed to do?" she suddenly demanded, "Just magically change?Let myself fall in love with Xander and hope that he figures it out?Wait for him?"

"That sounds good for me." Joss smiled, "Now that Riley's gone you could finally get off your ass and figure out who really loves you... and I'm not talking about Spike."

"Wait, Spike's in love with me?" Buffy's mouth dropped wide open.

"That's next week's episode, but yeah.I thought it would be really ironic; you like it?" Joss grinned and nodded his head in self approval.

"Sounds interesting, but I thought this was a pro-Xander thing." Buffy was a little spiffed at the Spike thoughts, but confused over the non-Xander context. (aren't we all?)

"It's all about Xander in the long run, but first the two of you have to go through some changes.He is in love with Anya you know, but it's more of a needing thing; it's not gonna last."

"How do you know?" She looked skeptical, but also surprised to know that Xander loved Anya.

"Because their relationship is based on default.She needed someone and he had no one else who cared.He loves her just because she's the first person who has loved him.Loving you was nonreciprocal, but true.It's hard to explain myself, but you'll see.The foreshadowing is all there: they're not gonna last long."Joss stated matter of factly.

"So what am I supposed to do?" Buffy scratched her brow ponderously.

"Well, the whole having a little sister thing and having to protect her will hopefully help the bitchy/selfishness problem; maybe you'll actually be the likable hero again.There will be some Spike fluff, because he's a great character and I've always wanted to toy around with that, but eventually; even if it takes forever: there will be Xander."

"So I should just wait." She questioned.

"Yeah.For now.But, in this fic; I'd say you should run into the forest, get lost, get scared and depressed and realise that Xander is the only person you'll ever love.That way this fic can have a happy ending." Joss smiled down at her and shooed her away with his hands.

"Isn't that a bit cliche?" she countered and narrowed her eyes at this God.

"Cliche is good sometimes.Besides, no one wants to see you with Riley; which would be the unhappy ending."

"Good point." She agreed as she set off further into the forest; leaving Joss to his typewriter and wacky Spike/Buffy scenes.

End Part Eight

Title: Buffy's Adventures in Wonderland (9/?)

Author: Duchess of Buffonia

Disclaimer: Joss owns Buffy;damn.

Summary (this part): Buffy "On Her Own" 

Rating: TV- 14,because I say so.

Authors Note: defying the anti-songfic movement because I couldn't think of anything else to do.For full fic effect, download the Bernadette Peters' version of "On My Own" from Napster... (or maybe you already have it on cd... listen to it!)

Feedback: Darn straight!I do take requests for wackiness in the following parts…alexathain@hotmail.com , please!

********  
  
Buffy ambled along through the dark forest, and although she had already been in quite a few dark forests; this one was especially dark. She was slightly disturbed by the conversation she had just had with a strange little man named God.  
  
"Xander, ha!" she scoffed as she thought about Xander saving her life. Suddenly, a lightening bolt came down from the sky and hit Buffy straight in the ass; sending her jumping a bit forward and thus commencing "fic Buffy" once more.   
  
"I can't believe he had a fling with my sister!" she wailed, "Even though he did look kinda sad about it on TRL. And, he looked so sexy when he was all threatening." Buffy grinned at the thought of sexy- Xander and then sighed a sigh of truth, "Riley really is a schmuck." She shrugged at her random realizations and wandered deeper into the forest; all the while talking to herself.  
  
"He and I have had some good times; beating up Riley in the Big Brother house, wrapping the beer wenches up in a big pretty red bow and giving them to Papa Smurf, Skittles... yes, Skittles." Buffy's lower lip began to quiver as memories of her time with Xander came flooding back, "I miss Xander!" she wailed as she began to cry. "He's so cute and cuddly, and here I am all lost," she peered around and found that she was in the middle of nowhere, "and I didn't even get to touch Bob's fluffy little bunny tail. And I don't even know how I know his name is Bob!" she sat down on a tree stump and began to cry heavier into her hands, "Plus, everyone has been so mean to me! Bill Gates, Calista Flockhart, Cindy Mae, the director guy, Wesley-pie, ahh! Not Wesley-pie! The Spice Girls, Giles, and then God! I just don't understand it. It's like someone is out to get me..."  
  
A little pot of lip-gloss came soaring out of the sky and hit Buffy square in the head; inferring that she should stop rattling on about conspiracy "theory's", and get back to moping over Xander.  
  
"I miss Xander!" she wailed once more and then decided to randomly break into song....  
  
_And now I'm all alone again, no where to go, no one to turn to _

_Without a home, without a friend, without a face to say hello to. _

_But now the night is here, And I can make-believe he's here.  
  
Sometimes I walk alone at night when everybody else is sleeping _

_I think of him and then I'm happy with a company I'm keeping. _

_The city goes to bed, And I can live inside my head.  
  
On my own, pretending he's beside me; _

_All alone, I walk with him `til morning. _

_Without him, I feel his arms around me; _

_And when I lose my way I close my eyes, And he has found me.  
  
In the rain, the pavement shines like silver. _

_All the lights are misty in the river. _

_In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight _

_And all I see is him and me, forever and forever!  
  
And I know it's only in my mind; _

_That I'm talking to myself and not to him. _

_And although I know that he is blind, still I say, _

_There's a way for us!  
  
I love him, but when the night is over _

_He is gone, the river's just a river. _

_Without him, the world around me changes;_

_The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers.  
  
I love him, but everyday I'm learning; _

_All my life I've only been pretending! _

_Without me, his world would go on turning _

_A world that's full of happiness that I have never known.  
  
I love him... I love him... I love him, but only on my own.  
_  
* End Scrolling *  
  
After finishing, Buffy broke down into tears once more. She was lost in her dispair and barely noticed the door that was magically opening by her side. The bright lights hit Buffy hard and as she attempted to supress a sniffle; she walked right through the open door.   
  
**End Part 9**  
  
TO BE CONTINUED

   [1]: http://www.bbtz.net/
   [2]: mailto:alexathain@web.de



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